Finding the Blips in the Flat Line

It’s been a long time since I’ve published anything. I’ve still been writing, it’s just that everything I’ve written is so personal (like more than usual) that I don’t want it on the Internet, at least not right now. And nothing I’ve written is about mental health.

Prior to graduating from university, I felt like I couldn’t write fast enough to keep up with all the ideas I was having. I was constantly being exposed to new things and I was actively involved with the mental health community at our school.

Since then, though, I’ve pretty much plateaued. I have nothing else to say. I haven’t experienced anything new in terms of my own mental health, and I haven’t experienced anything new in my personal life that’s worth publishing.

Sure, I’ve taken up rock climbing and the ukulele, done better and longer speeches, experienced my first full time office job, and met the real love of my life, but none of those things have led to any new revelations about mental health.

I guess I should be grateful that my own mental health has stabilized and that I no longer experience the depressive episodes that plagued me in the past. I have lots of time to pursue my hobbies, like writing this blog, because I’m not sad and tired all the time. But…if I’m no longer on the roller coaster, what am I supposed to write about? I still have no problem giving speeches and presentations, because I can say the same thing to different audiences. But blogging requires new material all the time.

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Big Girls Cry

I make scrapbooks for every year of my life, and though I took a break for a few years, my 2015 was so eventful that I was motivated to pick the hobby up again.

While doing a page of events that occurred around this time last year, I revisited some blog entries I wrote at the same time. One of them features lyrics from the song “Big Girls Cry” by Sia. That song hit me hard at the time because it described exactly what I feared I was becoming – someone who is living a mundane life, bored out of her mind, just surviving and not really living. I’ve been that girl before. But there were extenuating circumstances that made me that way. I don’t want to be that girl again.

And for a while it looked like I was escaping that reality. Sure, there were some days like that, but I had a pretty fun year.

But it’s been more than 3 full months into this year now and I think I can safely say that I have become exactly what I feared. Most of my days have been like that, and even more now that I live alone. “I come home, on my own, check my phone, nothing though, act busy, order in, pay TV, it’s agony.” Replace “order in” with “eat Doritos” and “pay TV” with “Netflix” and that is my life in a nutshell.

Promises To Myself When I’m Alone

All my life I have been scared to live alone. The closest I’ve ever come to it is when I was living in a dorm in first year of university, and I was pretty miserable.

I’ve been scared to be isolated, scared to be the only one responsible for taking care of myself, scared that without someone else helping me along my life will fall into a stagnant rut.

I’m still scared, but what I’ve been doing is no longer working for me, so I decided that I had to change something, kind of like an experiment, and I decided to start with my living situation.

Tomorrow I move out on my own, but tonight I’d like to take a moment to make a few promises to myself in hopes that this experiment will be a success.

I Am Allowed To Make Mistakes (And So Are You)

This one is for all the recent graduates out there – much has been said and written about how tough life is when you’re a student, and how difficult it is to find a job once you’re out of school.

But what if you find a job, and somehow your life is STILL HARD?!

I sort of thought that all my problems would sort themselves out relatively quickly if I found a job that paid more than minimum wage. Any job, really. Growing up, I could never really picture myself with a career.

I could, however, picture myself married, or at least in a serious and committed relationship. That was what I always dreamed of. I dreamed of other things too, of course – I wanted to be employed and have money, for example – but that was the ‘big dream’.

I dreamed about weddings and beautiful dresses, yes, but mostly I dreamed about having someone to share life with. I wanted to be on a team with someone. And subconsciously, I think I imagined this person supporting me, and that’s why I never really thought that long and hard about a career. My thought process was, “Am I competent enough to do this job? Do I not completely hate it? Does it pay okay?” A ‘yes’ to all three of those questions was all it took.